That would be my brother

and his

bull, Gumpy.

MARTHA Stewart Loves Me So Much That...

...she asked me to be in one of her magazines! She heard about this small-town-Ohio-mother who can cook better than her, who has the most pristine house and, Oh wait, wrong magazine.

She heard about this small-town-Ohio-mother who is the picture of health - glowing skin, shiny hair & rock hard abs. She was going to put me on the cover, but decided to be on it herself, with her daughter. So I'm inside, and you know what? My mother is too. Me & Mom. Mom & Me & Martha. We're on page 84 & 85: Healthy At Every Age.

In the 30 age bracket, Martha's experts say I need to take these precautions regarding my health. Build bone, have Safe Sex, (not a problem, I try to limit my sexual partners) Eat broccoli, drink only 4-5 ounces of red wine, repopulate my bowels? What does repopulate mean? I'll bet my grandmother knows, I'll be sure and ask her.

The picture of myself is terribly terrible. I'll start with the fact that at the time the photo was taken I'd been away from my nursing baby for 3 days and my breasts look like they could burst at any moment. I don't know if my top could have stretched anymore, and my experience watching America's Next Top Model tells me I should have stretched my neck out more and not smiled like a clown. But seriously, how exciting! Chances are this will have been the only time ever in my whole life that I will ever be in shiny, glossy, magazine. Whew.

You can read about our visit to her studio here.

On My Kitchen Floor Right Now

~A broom

~Goldfish crackers

~A large HILTI Drill my husband uses while caving, he likes to use it at home to stir paint like a macho man

~Buckets of tools

~A care package from my mother-in-law, trash bags, soap & paper towels (she knows us so well)

~A baby doll that burps

~His socks

~His pants - does anyone know how to teach husbands to put their dirty clothes in the appropriate place?

~Drywall dust

~Tap shoes

~A pink Lego

~Soccer cleats

~Only 2 ladders today, and one is slid under the other, how efficient, oh, there's his dirty shirt, flung over the top of the ladder

What a fun way to start my day! Where shall I start? I think I'll start with a tall glass of juice, with a big splash of coconut rum.

Whatsa Wasa?

What?

A Wasa is a 30 calorie crispbread that I've become addicted to.

I love their crunch.

I love that they are only 30 calories.

I love that their Swedish, because I wish I was Swedish.

I love to say Wasa.

I love that my husband won't touch them because the first time he did, he spit it in the trash & said, "Cutie, those crackers are stale."

Instead of toast in the morning, I have a Wasa.

With peanut butter & almonds,

or fat free cream cheese & homemade strawberry jelly.

Instead of a turkey sandwich, I have a Wasa,

with turkey, lettus & sliced tomato.

I admit the first few days I had to force it down, the fact that it looks old & stale & has the consistency of crunchy cardboard are not one if it's best attributes. But you should try them - they're good, and good for you.

I love...Apron Sinks

Below are some sinks in copper from HP Ausin- I love the bottom one especially.

SAFETY FIRST!

My husband left this morning for work leaving 3 open ladders in our kitchen we are remodeling. Why on earth we need 3 ladders is beyond me. I took 2 of them out to the porch and kept the shiniest, newest looking one to use. I assumed that since it didn't look like it was built out of wood in the Mesozoic Era or bent aluminum that it would be the safest. I was wrong. I climbed up the rungs and the top suddenly bent over at the hinges smashing my fingers in the sides. I couldn't get down, because my fingers were stuck way up at the top. So I stood there saying "Oh shit, one of you girls are going to have to call one of your uncles because I'm stuck." I stood there realizing that two thirds of the ladder was covered in DANGER blah blah blah and SAFETY FIRST with a picture of a little man in the exact same predicament that I was in with a Big Red X over it. Meanwhile my fingers were tingling with numbness. I could just hear my husbands voice in my head, "Bess, you're going to hurt yourself." He tells me this all the time. This is why I stay married to him. He knows how to work ladders and he loves to state the obvious. And we make cute babies. And he washed the dishes twice.

A couple of years ago my Grandma was babysitting #1. She was using a big stapler and she stapled herself to the stapler. She called 9-1-1. My other family members heard the emergency squad going to her house and immediately followed, worried there was something wrong with my child. No, it was just Grandma, stapled to the stapler. #1 just went about her business, coloring or something.

So I'm typing this tonight, with two purple fingers, the rest unscathed if not a little sore - that I managed to wriggle out with the support of #1 & 2, coaxing me along. I then read the directions and learned how to "lock" the ladder in position. Come on, who reads directions to a ladder?

The Bathroom Light

Something happened to me today that made me almost die. It involved light bulbs, bugs, and hockering.

Our bathroom light fixture takes some fancy light bulbs that cost more than the unit itself. They are hard to find and I always wait until I absolutely cannot stand not having a bathroom light before I replace them. Today, I decided to replace the bulbs. The Animal was going to help me by giving me direction from below. I stood on a little stool, and reached up to unscrew a little decorative nut that holds on the glass cover, I held the glass with the other hand. I had nowhere to put the nut, couldn’t toss it on the ground, The Animal eats everything, so I put it in my own mouth for safekeeping. A little round circle piece that was also being held up by the little nut fell down off the light unleashing a multitude of crusty ladybugs into my cleavage. As in: Into.My.Bra. Next was a series of events that was sure to lead to my demise hadn’t I found the courage somewhere in my being to Hocker.
2 things I hate most in life are bugs, and Hocker. Anything that crawls, and anything that any man projects out of his throat with a violent wretch makes me shudder.

I was so distraught by the thought of the bugs on my body I let out a squelch, which caused me to get the little nut stuck in my throat. The nut was still stuck in my throat when I flung off my shirt and dusted the nasty bugs off. I thought, “I’m going to die by choking on a little screw on thing that goes to my bathroom light fixture. My husband is going hear from the Dr., I’m sorry sir, but it seems your wife’s cause of death was chokation by a little ivory screw, most likely from a bathroom light fixture. So I hockered. Gross. Gross. Gross.

Adventures in Remodeling the Kitchen, Staring...my husband.

My sweet, non-dishwashing husband has been remodeling our kitchen for the past month. A very low budget, but drastic change in our little house. It always amazes me that men like him seem to just be able to do things. He can rewire the electric in our house, he can rebuild a motor...where the hell did he learn how to do that? What amazes me the most is his ability to withstand extreme frustration in what can only be described as what I'd call HELL without complaining. I'm a complainer. For example, last week we were hanging the drywall on the ceiling of our kitchen. I was to stand on a ladder holding up one end of a profound piece of 10'drywall, while he screwed in the screws. Sounded simple to him, a man with big grapefruit sized muscles on his biceps. I had tears in my eyes, groaning, moaning and protesting.

So the ceiling has been drywalled & primed, we put a massive oak barn beam up - I stained it yesterday and it looks so great, the stain is called Early American. We've removed half the kitchen cupboards & the soffet I think it's called? I hope to finish that today - that's my kind of job...get to use a little sledge hammer. As soon as we paint, we'll refinished the hardwood floors, right now there is hardwood in what used to be the dining room and linoleum from 1960 in the little kitchen.

One problem we ran into was the chimney that runs up along the kitchen wall. I wanted to remove all the old plaster, paint the bricks white and build shelves up along the sides. However, since we had to take out 2 pieces of duct work and some wiring, we needed to make a cabinet over the front of the chimney to hide some pex tubes & wires and whatever men seem to think we need. Why do we need heat in our bedroom honey? I want to paint my chimney!

I lost.

I did convince him however to build the cabinet big enough to fit my vacuum. In this old house we have no closets on the first floor, so my sweeper just goes from room to room as I need it, with no real home. My sweeper needed a home. It's own private sanctuary. He measured the sweeper, placed it inside - no problem, it'll fit. The cabinet is done. My sweeper doesn't fit. I know she didn't gain any weight...what's the deal? I guess he's not that perfect. Ms. Kenmore shouldn't have gotten her hopes up, I guess she's destined to be a free spirited hobo, keeping us company in the corner of the living room. Or I could just buy a smaller sweeper?

Tiddlywampuses Love Infomercials

They awaken at the crack of dawn, tiptoe down stairs, confiscate a box of Fruit Loops from the kitchen and snuggle up on the comfy living room couch. One holds the box of cereal, the other a crayon, pad of paper and the television remote. It's not cartoons they wake for at this hour, it's the overwhelming love they have for their mother and the desire to make her life easier.

They do this for me.

They write the descriptions of fabulous new devices - sweepers that use no bags, just water and can clean up any messes they make. A divider I can put in my purse so I'll never loose my cell phone again. A toothpaste dispenser that hangs on the wall - "You can even use it if you have a broken arm!" Clothes Steamers, Sweepers that can suck the dirt out from under the carpet, bugs, insects...anything! Hair gadgets - "when you try to make your hair fluffy, it just stays flat - with bumpits your will hair stay up and won't fall down. You'll look beautiful, Mommy!" Giant Cupcakes, Clothes hangers that dry your clothes "even when they're soaking wet! It dries them as fast as possible!"
"The hot steam mop does anything! Cleans your stairs-it has a pointer to clean by toilets and you can wash the washer by just putting it in the washing machine. Well, you can't use it on your glasses or ceilings though."
The responsible little stinkers never forget the prices either, $49.99, $19.95 or 3 easy payments of $29.95! And their coresponding 1-800 numbers. They assure me that I must call as soon as possible and they'll send a second one for free. "For free, Mama, free!"

When asked in school what her Mommy did for a living, #1 was proud to say thar her Mama was "an artist, and she likes to clean." Likes to clean??? I guess when they see me cleaning all day long, dishes, mopping, laundry, sucking Fruit Loops out of the couch cushions, this is a correct assumption made by a 7 year old.

My girls are so special, and just the fact that they started saving their money in a ziplock bag under their bed for the $69 magical sweeper with the pointy thing on the end that sucks up anything, so I never have to clean ever,ever again...that means the world to me. But I would have been happy with a Bumpit.

Folk.Art.On.Etsy.

I’m completely out of the ebay & etsy loop, and I’m yearning to jump back in again…so I did a little searching today

And found this dapper man

And found this little lady,
who caught my eye

Both are by paulanerhus

Yes, he’s a little extreme, a bit primordial…

And she’s ethereal & mystifying…

but that’s folk art…

and I’m besotted.

And I know a little somebody else like that

don’t you?

Tiramisu.

You must make this, it's really not that difficult. There used to be this wonderful Italian take out establishment close by that had the best tiramisu on earth. This recipe tastes just like it!
Be sure you make it 1-2 days before you serve it!

6 egg yolks
3/4 cup white sugar
2/3 cup milk
2 cups heavy cream
1 teaspoon vanilla
24 oz (3 8 oz tubs) mascarpone cheese
1/2 cup strong coffee
4 Tablespoons RUM
2 (3 oz) pkgs Ladyfingers - the hard ones
unsweetened cocoa powder

Wisk the milk, egg yolks & sugar together in a saucepan over medium heat. Continue heating until eggs slowly reach about 140 degrees and are thick, light and pale. This takes about 15 minutes, and you will need to wisk constantly. This is the hardest part! If you cook it too long, or over a higher heat, the eggs will scramble you'll have to start all over. What you're making is sort of a custard. Pour into a bowl, cover tightly and refrigerate for at least 1 hour.

In a large bowl, wisk the cream and vanilla just until soft peaks form.

In a mixer bowl, beat the mascarpone for about 30 seconds. Add the egg yolk mixture and beat until smooth.

Brew the coffee, let it cool & add the RUM.

Make this in a cake pan or dish no smaller than 9 x 9, and no larger than 7 x 11.

Lay 1 pkg ladyfingers on the dish in a single layer and drizzle with half of the coffee mixture. Let it sit and soak up for a minute.

Spread on half of the mascarpone mixture on top of ladyfingers, and half the whipped cream over that.

Soak the other package of ladyfingers in coffee mixture and place on top of whipped cream.

FOLD the remaining whipped cream into the remaining mascarpone mixture, and spread on top of ladyfingers.

Dust with coco powder, cover and refrigerate at least overnight, but even better after 24-48 hours!